LOOSENING THE REIGNS: PARENTAL OVER-INVOLVEMENT IN COLLEGE ADMISSIONS & HOW TO LET GO
Over the years an entirely new conundrum has been added to the college admissions process. In addition to sifting through college applications, coordinating campus tours and reading supplemental essays, admissions officers now find themselves interacting with what is now notoriously deemed as “helicopter parents.”
Parents who fall within this category micromanage almost every aspect of their child’s college search and application process, from contacting admissions officers multiple times throughout the academic year to deciding what schools their student will apply to – even writing application materials on behalf of their students. Helicopter parents have essentially taken over what is intended to be a student-centered process.
It’s clear that parents do not take on the college admissions process with malicious intent. Choosing which college to attend and working to be admitted is a huge deal. Factor in the significant financial investment a college education requires and it becomes easy to understand why parents want the process to go seamlessly.
Parental over-involvement has detrimental impacts on students and is wreaking havoc on the college admissions process as a whole. What exactly though is the damage being done? How can parents help their children gain admission into the best schools, without taking over the entire application process?
STUDENT IMPACT
The remarkable irony about helicopter parenting is that in working overtime to help their student succeed, parents are actually causing more harm to their children.
Applying to college is one of the first major life decisions that is guided entirely by the student. While there are a number of individuals that may play a role in this process, including parents family members, teachers, guidance counselors and of course admissions officers, the decision of where to apply, how to craft the right application and ultimately the reward of being admitted is centered around the student.
When parents become overly involved in a student’s application process the student is robbed of the opportunity to learn how to make and execute a decision, and reap the benefits of their own hard work. Furthermore, college itself is not just about obtaining an education but also exercising independence for what will be for many students the first time of actually being independent. Whether your child chooses to go to a large or small school, a private college or a public university; whether they decide to live at home or in a dorm on campus, the years spent in college will only be successful if they develop a healthy level of self-determination and self-efficacy. The foundation for these values therefore, should be established during the admissions process, far before students even enter into college.
Becoming over involved in a student’s application process stifles development and can breed either co-dependency or insecurity within a student. Students may either become so comfortable that they will continue to rely on their parents to do work for them throughout their four years of college, or they may feel that their parents’ over-involvement is a sign that they are ill-equipped to perform tasks that in truth, are well within a student’s capacity.
THWARTING THE DREAM
Over-involvement by parents can not only compromise a student’s self confidence and sense of independence but it can actually harm their chances of getting into the “dream school(s).”
Many parents feel that they can tweak (if not, entirely re-write) their child’s application materials without getting caught. College admissions officers however, can tell if an application rings inauthentic; especially if the tone of the essay or supplemental responses do not match how the student sounds during their in-person interviews. Some schools also note when parents or guardians call or email admissions officers multiple times with queries or notes about their child before he or she has been accepted. And the catch is that you won’t know and the schools won’t tell if they are keeping track.This same principle goes for parental behavior at college fairs and on campus tours. Always take a moment to assess whether it’s you or your child who is leading the conversation and asking questions of school representatives at these events. It’s an important difference that truly does matter.
Just as over-involvement can impact a student’s belief in their own abilities, it can cause schools to question whether or not a student will be successful attending their institution.
SO HOW CAN WE HELP?
It’s clear that parental over-involvement may not be particularly helpful, but we also know that as a parent you still will want to do whatever you can to aid your child in this important transition to adulthood. Even if your student may not vocalize it as much as you would like, it is likely your child does care about your opinion and takes the input and advice you give them to heart. That’s why there are ways in which you can help your child throughout this process without micromanaging every aspect of it.
In a 2012 NYTimes blog, reporter Dave Marcus, discusses parental over-involvement in college admissions and the anxiety it creates for children and admissions officers. In this piece, Marcus relays a few suggestions, as provided by members of the National Association for College Admissions Counseling, on how parents can remain involved in their child’s admissions process but not overstep boundaries.
First, these admissions officers suggest that parents avoid referring to any colleges that their children are applying to as “our” colleges or making statements such as “we are applying to college.” Using this type of rhetoric implies that the process is one that your child does not have full ownership over. While you as a parent will be present and may play a significant role, this is your child’s decision, it is their process and the school your student chooses will be their school of attendance.
Next, the panelists suggest that as a parent you recognize the immense stress that is often already lingering around students as they apply to colleges and that you act as a buffer against it. It is recommended that you support your child’s decision to take on extracurricular activities or AP/Honors classes but that you don’t force them to take on more than they can handle. If however, you notice that your child may not be doing enough to make them stand out in the larger applicant pool, you should encourage them to enroll in additional classes, volunteer or take on a new activity in order to bolster their student profile. Be sure that these new commitments fall in line with your child’s existing interests. For example, don’t push your high school junior to enroll in Jazz band just because you enjoy music if you know that your student is more interested in engineering. Once again, this is their admissions process, not yours.
In that same vein, the conference panelists urged that parents create time in their student’s schedule where attention can be taken off of college admissions; this is especially needed if you have a student that is an intense overachiever or if you have a student overwhelmed by the admissions process. The panelists recommend planning family nights where all mention of standardized tests, application materials and any and all things related to the college admissions are banned.
For parents who feel that their children need a little more hand holding through this process or who just wish to play a slightly more involved role, there are steps that can be taken that may allow you to feel more in control without completely taking over the reigns:
Have your child compile two lists, one with schools that they are interested in applying to and a second column with a list of characteristics that portray their ideal school. From there, you as the parent/guardian can do your own research into the schools that your student is attracted to and if needed, suggest a few more to that fit within that same criteria of schools.
Once your child has narrowed down what schools they will be applying to, ask your student if you can read the first drafts of their application materials. Instead of just making edits without their consultation, discuss your recommendations.
Avoid reaching out directly to college admission officers multiple times throughout the application process. If you feel that you need to speak with someone to ask specific questions about the admissions process, your primary point person would be the college counselor provided by their high school.
If there are questions and concerns, consider having your student raise them directly with the college admissions office of their choice school(s).
Be sure to attend any programs and events hosted by the schools your child is applying to that are specifically targeted for parents and families. There, you can ask admissions officers, deans and sometimes current professors and students, any lingering questions in an environment where it is most appropriate to do so.
As a parent, letting go can be difficult. With a decision as important as what college to attend, the idea of loosening the reigns can be painful at its worst, and frightening at best. However, trusting your child enough to make the right decision for themselves is integral, particularly at this stage in their lives. For anyone still on the fence though, I’ll leave you with these words from Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of admissions at Stanford University. In a Washington Post interview, Lythcott-Haims asserted that as parents “we want so badly to help [our children] by shepherding them from milestone to milestone and by shielding them from failure and pain. But over helping causes harm. It can leave young adults without the strengths of skill, will and character that are needed to know themselves and to craft a life.”
Written by Tamar Davis